Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren officially finalized their divorce today, nine months after he wrecked his car in the middle of the night and his serial infidelity was revealed to the world at large.

In a joint statement released by the couple, they said: "We are amicably separating for the good of our children, and are ready to move forward with our lives. This will be a difficult time for the both of us, and we hope that through privacy we will be able to settle into our new roles as joint parents.

"We also want to announce that there will be a party the size and scale of which will blow your freaking brains through your ass, tonight at Tiger's new bachelor pad in Orlando, FL. Elin would like me to give her back control of the keyboard so we can both agree on the rest of this joint statement, but she can suck it...not literally...that will be done by a multitude of random women too young to drink, starting tonight at 11:00 PM. Be there! It's time to celebrate my freedom from the shackles of this golf club wielding mad woman!

"This is Elin. I have had Tiger removed from the lawyer's office by police. I hope whoever attends this party rots in hell. This might be the worst joint separation statement of all time. I'm going back to Sweden to find a nice man who wants to be with a past her prime supermodel with two kids...Oh, and who now has 100 million dollars. Suck on that Tiger."

Woods went on to give more details on the party later in the day through his agent. He says it has been a trying couple of months, trying to play a sport as boring as golf, and not being able to sleep with various floozies a couple times a day. But, he adds that now he can get back to sinking putts and sinking himself into college-age bartenders once more.

To attend tonight's massive party you must meet the following requirements:

• Be a hot lady
• Not be from a Northern European country
• Not talk about Tiger's kids
• Not talk about golf
• Not be able to swing a golf club with enough force to break an SUV window
• No fatties

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.

It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.

SportsComedian.com